My wife and I have been married for 14 years and during that time we've
had many fights. Although the fights varied in content and form, the cause
of the fights has remained consistent. It's me. We fight because of a
birth defect I have that makes it impossible for me to know when to
shut-up and walk away.
Some arguments are trivial. Our last arguement, however, was not. The
conflict was over a subject that both of us knew would have a profound
impact on our existance as individuals and as a couple.
Me: "No. The dark haired girl with glasses on Scooby-Doo was Velma. The
blonde was Daphne."
She: "You're wrong. Velma was blonde."
Me: "Right. And Shaggy was blonde too..."
She: "Now you're just being ridiculous."
Me: "And what was the dog's name, Benji?"
She: "I don't want to talk anymore."
Me: "Lassie? Spot?"
She: "I'm dropping it now."
She: "Why do you do that?"
She: "You need to have the last word every time."
Me: "No I don't."
She: "Yes you do."
Me: "Do not."
She: "You always take the last word."
Me: "I don't ALWAYS take the last word."
She: "You did it again."
Me: "Okay. I get your point."
She: "Then stop taking the last word."
She: "You can't do it. You always have the last word."
She: "HA! It's automatic. You CAN'T STAND to let me have the last word."
Me: "That's not true. Take the next word and I won't say anything."
She: "Velma was the blonde."
Me: "THAT'S NOT TRUE! Velma wore glasses and had brown hair!"
She: "I thought you said I could have the last word."
Me: "BUT YOU'RE WRONG! I can't let the last word be a mistake!"
She: "Okay. Take the last word. You always do."
Me: (straining not to speak) "mmmmmmmmmm"
She: "There. Are you happy?"
Me: "I didn't say anything. That was a noise. It wasn't a word."
She: "You always have to have the last noise."
Me: "You've GOT to be kidding me! The last noise?"
She: "Now you're back to having the last word!"
Me: (Silently throw my hands up in the air and roll my eyes.)
She: "Okay. Be that way. You win!"
Me: "How did I win? I made no sound. I spoke no words!"
She: "You made a gesture. You had the last gesture."
Me: "What do you want me to do, vanish into thin air?!!"
She: "Is that your final word?"
She: "See what I mean?"
Me: (Blinded by tears of frustration) "AAAAAAA"
She: (Smiles smugly and writes on a piece of paper. "You have the last
It's honestly not that important to me to have the last word. What IS
important is that she understand DAPHNE WAS THE BLONDE! I can prove once
and for all that, whenever I want to, I can keep myself from having the
Comedy That Won't Leave A Filthy Residue