It's been over 100 degrees here in Kokomo for the last couple of weeks.
Every day the weatherman comes on the television and says: "Well, the
thermometer is up around 100 degrees this afternoon, but the heat index
will make it feel more like 1,000,000. Stay inside if you can. Don't go
outside for any reason, not even to get your mail. Truth is, you probably
won't have mail anyway because most of the mail carriers in the U.S. burst
into flames on their routes yesterday. Just sit inside and repeatedly
flush your head in the toilet. Don't run the air conditioner too much
because that will put a strain on the power station. A strain on the power
station could cause a loss of service in the area and then the air
conditioning won't work here at the television station. Then I'll probably
suffer from heat exhaustion and won't be able to come on the air and tell
you that the temperature is over 100 degrees. If I don't tell you, how
would you ever know that it's incredibly hot outside?" It's been like that
for weeks and weeks. The grass in my yard has given up hope. The squirrels
that used to frolic on the telephone lines are nowhere to be seen. I saw a
documentary on PBS about deserts and the scenery looked COMFORTABLE! I'm
telling you, it's hot. Our local weatherman always acts as though he is
telling me something I wouldn't otherwise know. It's as if he doesn't
think seeing my neighbors evaporate into clouds of sweaty vapor is enough
of a clue for me to realize the temperature is up. I'm tired of being told
how to behave when it's hot outside too. The health experts issue warnings
like, "Make sure you drink water when you're outside in this heat." Hmmm.
That probably would never have occurred to me as I saunter down the
sidewalk leaving puddles of perspiration. And as long as we're on the
subject of helpful, though apparently not obvious, hot weather survival
tips; here are a few of my own:
- Don't sit in the car with the heater on and the windows rolled up.
- Don't preheat the oven to 500 degrees and then get inside it.
- Don't put your hands into molten steel.
- When swimming underwater, come up for air before you drown.
- Remember, Crisco has an SPF rating of minus 50.
- Don't lay in direct sunlight wearing a long-sleeve, wool jumpsuit.
- Avoid prolonged activities that are directly in the path of flowing lava.
- If you smell burning flesh when you stand barefoot on the street, put
- Drink plenty of water
I'm sure that very soon the heat will be gone and then we'll all get back
to our normal summer activities - complaining because it's too rainy. Let
me suggest you make the best of this sultry weather by doing something to
distract your mind from the oppressive heat. This might be a good time to
consider a change in careers. I understand the post office is looking for
Comedy That Won't Leave A Filthy Residue