Thursday, October 13, 2005

Me and The 'V'

It has been said that experience is the best teacher. I have recently
experienced a procedure called a vasectomy. I am now qualified to dispel
the misinformation that I was given before my wings were clipped Many
myths surround this operation. Walk up to any man and tell him you are
considering a vasectomy. After he finishes wincing, he will probably relay
one or more of the following myths:

MYTH #1: A Vasectomy Is Not Uncomfortable. Let me say that a vasectomy is
not the most unpleasant experience a human being can endure. Having your
kidneys removed with pliers would be more unpleasant. Pouring sulfuric
acid into your ear would be more unpleasant. The list goes on and on. The
liberal use of local anesthesia reduces physical pain during the
operation. If there is any discomfort, it is emotional.

I believe myself to be a typical guy. When a nurse tells me to strip naked
from the waist down, lie on a table, cover myself with a napkin and relax;
I have a difficult time with the relaxing part. I assume other typical
guys would be equally uneasy. The suggestion I would make would be to look
at the ceiling and never, ever, ever, ever look at what the doctor is
doing. The sound effects are bad enough. At one point, I casually glanced
toward the doctor's hand and saw the most sinister looking pair of
scissors I have ever beheld. "Now relax", he said. It seemed he could
sense my tension. Maybe it was my furrowed brow. Maybe it was the slight
twitch in my forearm. Maybe it was my shrieking, "THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD!

MYTH #2: You will be back to normal in two days. This is true if you
normally lay around the house all day with a bag of frozen peas in your
pants. Otherwise, it will be several weeks before you will be able to use
the restroom facilities without a spotter present. For a full week after
surgery, the mere sight of boxer shorts will double you over with pain.

MYTH #3: None of your friends will even have to know you've been snipped.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Whew. That's my favorite myth. I
always get a chuckle out of it. If your friends are blind enough to not
notice that you are hobbling around like you just received a cactus enema,
then they might not notice you've been snipped. I believe that the
doctor's office sends postcards to your friends, co-workers and family
members informing them of your vasectomy. The postcard contains all the
funny quips that vasectomy survivors love to hear. On the card are such
classic lines as:

"Is that an igloo in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Don't feel bad, some very famous men are sterile." "Hey! Give me a hand
with this piano, will ya?"

"Some men are lovers. Some men are fighters. What are you?"

So there's no way to keep the secret from your friends. You save a lot of
grief by wearing a T-shirt that reads, "Say YES to Vasectomy. I did!"

MYTH #4: The vasectomy renders you sterile. While it's true that your
beloved wife will no longer become pregnant, it is not necessarily because
you are sterile. The vasectomy effectively renders you celibate. As far as
I can tell, for the rest of my life I will be physically fulfilled by a
warm handshake. I don't need any other contact. In fact, I cringe at the
thought of anything touching my body except for frozen peas. I see the
underwear models on television and wonder, "How can they smile like that?
Don't those things hurt?"

MYTH #5: You will lead a completely normal life after a vasectomy. It's
too early to tell, but I bet this is a myth too. The only people who have
described experiences similar to this are the ones on "Unsolved Mysteries"
who claim to have been abducted by aliens. I fully expect to have
Vasecto-flashbacks. I'll probably be at a ribbon cutting ceremony
somewhere and freak when they bring out the giant paper scissors. You
don't just forget something like this.

I hope I haven't discouraged anyone contemplating a vasectomy. My aim is
simply to inform. Weigh the facts versus the myths and then make up your
own mind. If you decide to go ahead with the "Big V" that's fine. I
understand there are some soprano openings in the church choir.

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