No Cartwheels, Please

An Australian school has outlawed cartwheelsin order to protect the children from injury.

Many people may not realize that cartwheels are the primary way thatchildren injure themselves. I don't know why it's taken us so long tofinally get at the root of childhood accidents and eliminate it.

According to the principal of the school, cartwheels are a "level 2risk" which makes them even more dangerous than hopscotch andteeter-totters.  Doubtless the number of childhood injuries willplummet in Australia due to this shrewd policy.

Of course, there will be those who will try to profit from thecartwheel prohibition. There will be seedy, back-alley establishmentswhere kids, for a fee, we be allowed to somersault or even engage ingames of Red Rover.

But for the time being at least, they're safe.

-- John Branyan - www.johnbranyan.comcomedy that won't leave a filthy residue

Posted by email from John's Branyan's Comedy (posterous)

Feet and Fish Food

You can get a fish pedicure for 30 bucks. Now you may ask, why would a fish even need a pedicure since they don't have any feet? And that's a fair question.

The pedicure is not actually performed on the fish, but by the fish. Some spas are now offering to let you soak your feet in a tub full of "Doctor Fish", which are a type of carp. The tiny fish will chew the dead skin off your feet leaving your tootsies soft and smooth.

Those who've undergone the treatment claim that the fish are "gentle" and that the sensation "tickles". I suspect that's the reason that carp are used instead of piranha. While the latter would get the job done faster, the blood in the water would be somewhat off-putting.

Knowing that fish are prone to this kind of behavior, I think I might try baiting my fish hook with cuticles.

--
John Branyan - www.johnbranyan.com
comedy that won't leave a filthy residue

Posted by email from John's Branyan's Comedy (posterous)

I Could Use A Shot Of Eel

In the US, we drink 313 million gallons of energy drinks per year - without harming a single eel. This is important because the people in Japan also drink copious amounts of energy fluid, but their drinks require that eels lay down their very lives in the process. The drink is called "Unagi Nobori" or "Surging Eel" and it's thought to boost stamina in hot weather. One could make the case that it requires quite a bit of stamina to drink eel juice in the first place.

The demand is so high for eel 'squeezins' that some companies are actually committing eel fraud. They're claiming that their eel drink contains imported, Chinese eels when if fact the eels are domestic! Can you imagine the outrage?

"Hey! What gives? This eel has a domestic after-taste!"