Monday, July 16, 2012
Fair Weather Hair
It's going slow enough that it's hoping I won't notice.
"He's asleep. A few of you, jump off on the pillow."
It waits until I'm distracted.
"He's showering. Let's glide down the drain under the shampoo!"
"Oh! I'm stuck on the guard! He's gonna see me!"
Some people have tried to tell me, "It's gradual so nobody notices."
People notice what happens to your head.
If my nose slowly started to turn orange...
...and light up....
Nobody would honestly say, "You haven't changed since high school!"
The thing is, I've been good to my hair.
I've provided a safe place for it to live.
I've spent money on shampoo, haircuts and combs.
This is how it thanks me.
My hair is a rebellious teenager.
If you love something, set it free.
If it's yours, it will come back to you.
I sort of hope not.
It would freak me out to see a massive glob of hair...
...charging at me over a hill, "We were wrong to leave! Take us back!"
I won't beg my hair to stay.
Rogaine is begging.
Dabbing liquid in the bald spots...
"Please don't leave!"
"Here! Drink this!"
A friend of mine started to go bald so he just shaved his head.
So people will think it was his idea. "I meant for this to happen."
We aren't so drastic when we lose other body parts.
"You lost a tooth? Might as well pull the rest of them."
There are other excuses I've heard for shaved heads.
"My head is cooler this way."
A lot of guys with hair have discovered air conditioning.
I cool off my head by pouring water in my hair...
"I got tired of fussing with my hair all the time."
Wow! If it's inconvenient, throw it away!
"I'm sick of clipping these fingernails!"
"I'm always having to empty this bladder..."
I'm just gonna let whatever happens...happen.
But I won't act like it's no big deal to lose it.
I'm not going to wear those shirts...
"Bald is Beautiful."
You only see bald guys wearing those shirts.
It seems a little desperate.
If it was true, you wouldn't need the shirt.
You don't see Kristy Brinkley wearing a shirt that says
"Supermodels are Beautiful"
People say, "Babies are bald but they're still adorable."
Because nobody expects baby baldness to be permanent.
People even say it, "Oh! I'm sure he's gonna grow hair soon!"
Like they're assuring the parents...
"Don't give up hope!"
"Don't cast this bald creature away!"
"Hair is coming!"
And look at how people react when a baby is born WITH hair!
"Look at all that hair!"
That's all a baby can really accomplish.
Babies don't have any praiseworthy skills.
We don't celebrate anything else.
"Look at that umbilical scab! Precious!"
And it's too bad.
Because as my hair goes away, I would love to say...
"Yeah. I'm bald. But check out this belly button!"