Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Dear Anonymous


William Shakespeare
Let me just say this in all sincerity.

I DON'T CARE THAT OLD ENGLISH ISN'T MIDDLE ENGLISH.
You have apparently lost sleep over this issue.
Take a pill and go create something.
Do you still remember how?
Or has your final ember of imagination burned out?
(I know, embers are fire related...don't send me a snarky comment...)
The reason I wrote my story is because I thought it was funny.
What reason do you have for criticizing references to Shakespeare?
Were you hoping I'd be shamed into removing the video?
Were you expecting a thank you?
Some cash?
Praise from fellow viewers?
Jean Sibelius said, "Nobody ever built a statue to a critic."
If he didn't say this, I'm sure you'll send me a comment and
...completely miss the point of the quote.
There's no statue, my friend.
When a child hands you the picture they've colored and you say,
"Trees aren't pink!"
When you watch Star Wars and explain to everyone afterward,
"The Death Star wouldn't explode in space, there's no oxygen."
When someone refers to a whale as a 'really big fish' and you explain,
"Whales are mammals."
When you point out spelling errors in Twitter quotes.
And when you tell me,
"Shakespeare wouldn't write anything like that."
There's no statue.
There's no applause.
I think about you for as long as it takes to press 'DELETE'.
Then I get back to making comedy.
It's my job.
You keep doing your job too.
For every producer of creativity there are a hundred people like you.
We don't want to upset the balance.
Keep grumbling!
Keep criticizing!
Just don't bother writing an award acceptance speech.
Awards aren't for you.
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6 comments:

Amanda Brogan said...

"I think about you for as long as it takes to press 'DELETE'." Awesome! :D I too, often wonder why insecure humans feel the need to unduly criticize the work of others. I love the point you made. Maybe if they spent as much time creating as the do criticizing, they could actually add to this world rather than trying to rob it of the humor and fun that others see. You might enjoy this blog by Air 1's Brant Hansen (about the type of criticizing comments that Jesus might get if He had a blog): http://www.air1.com/blog/brant/post/2013/03/11/If-Jesus-Had-a-Blog-Go-and-Sin-No-More!.aspx#.UT6rxB54_Zk.twitter

John Branyan said...

Thanks for the note, Amanda. I'll go check out Brant's rant.

Brant is a friend of mine! I used to goof around with him on the radio when he was at WAY-FM in West Palm, Florida. He's always funny!

Amy said...

For what its worth your adaptation of the 3 Little Pigs has raised the vocab level in my house exponentially!
When asking my 9 year old a question and his answer is in the negative he will now reply, "Nay!" and if the situation fits I get, 'Nay sir not by whit or whiskered jowl!" Though I am most assuredly a "ma'am" I don't correct him....I'm too busy trying not to pee my pants from laughing so hard.
We love your comedy, keep on!

John Branyan said...

I appreciate that, Amy. Thank thee!

Dean said...

Cool story, dude, but wherefore be the lupine antagonist neither voluminous of magnitude nor malevolent of disposition? Whaddy'all think?

valarie quick said...

I think we should fund a base for a statue. Have "Deleted" carved in the marble. It can be placed in ______, CA, the most creativity critical place on earth. (Left blank so you can enter any town in the 56 states. State name is an example only. But probably correct.)