Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Nobody's THAT Funny

Comedian (film)
People think it's funny at my house all the time.
I know this is true because
They've said, "I bet it's funny at your house all the time!"
Gosh, no.
Not even MOST of the time.
Sitcoms are an illusion.
No real people are as funny as sitcom people.
Here's a script for a scene from a sitcom.
It's called "The Standard Sitcom Household"

(Dad is fixing an alarm clock on the counter.)
(Mom walks in to tell him about the PTA meeting.)
(Dad puts the clock down and says) "Something hilarious!"
Mom: "Hilarious reply!"
Dad: (makes a face) "Clarifying question."
Mom: (shakes her head) "Clever quip about your intelligence."
Dad: (picks up alarm clock) "Hilarious statement ignoring your insult."
Kid: (home from school) "Salutation to parents!"
Mom: "Generic inquiry as to the condition of your well being."
Kid: "Hysterical observation that explains this episode's conflict."
Mom: "Wry statement of concern."
Dad: "Hilarious outburst that underscores my clueless nature."
Mom: "Hilarious though completely unhelpful suggestion for dealing with conflict."
Kid: "Hilarious, borderline-disrespectful response."
Mom: "Hilarious retort of some kind that proves I'm as funny as you."
Dad: "Hilarious off topic statement to emphasize that I'm funny too!"
Neighbor: (enters without knocking) "Reference to this episode's sub-plot!"
Kid: "Hilarious exit line that contains a cuss word." (exits)
Mom: "Shocked though mildly amused reaction to kid's language!"
Neighbor: "Humorous statement demonstrating that I'm more stupid than Dad."
Dad: "Question seeking advice from obviously stupid Neighbor."
Mom: "Funny statement."
Dad: "Equally funny statement."
Neighbor: "Outrageously funny statement!"
(Dad drops the alarm clock, re-breaking it)

And while the ads run...
we consider our own families.
What loathsome, uninteresting creatures!
The dullards!
They're not as witty as the people on the sitcom.
They're not even as witty
...as the people in the commercials.
The lady eating oatmeal is funnier than my wife.
...the guy buying pizza is funnier than me.
So here's another script.
It's called "The Real Comedian's House"

(John isn't fixing anything because he doesn't know how.)
(Mom comes in and says something, he isn't listening.)
(John looks up and says) "Do you want to go get food?"
Mom: "Okay."
John: (Yells to Kid in room) "Do you want to go get food?"
Kid: "No"
John: (to Mom) "We driving your car or mine?"
Mom: "Doesn't matter."
John: "Let's take mine because I need to put gas in it."
(Mom nods while checking Facebook.)
(John checks email for ten minutes.)
Mom: "Are we going to eat?"
John: "Yep."
(They both exit.)
(Outside: Neighbor is mowing. They wave at him.)
(They drive to a restaurant without incident.)

This kind of thing goes on
...for THOUSANDS of episodes.
Sitcoms annoy me.
They lie.
They make me believe that ordinary people can be THAT funny.
It can lead to dissatisfaction with my own family and neighbors.
"Are you just gonna mow? Do something hilarious!!"
Real people aren't funny being real.
Nobody would watch "The Real Comedian's House"
...but everybody LIVES it.
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